God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My life is pants optional.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
