I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
