sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
