Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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