Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
