the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The struggles of a small town man whore
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize