Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
