I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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