"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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