If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
