Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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