I hate your face
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
