Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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