I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
