lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We had to coat check the pizza.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
3pm strippers are depressing
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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