That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
