I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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