I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
