I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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