I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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