He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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