Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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