I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You are a genius and a whore.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
