yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
