In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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