a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i was born a porn star she said
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
