My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
