I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have feelings that need drinking.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
