There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
