gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
40s are totally the cure
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
