Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize