i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
