i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
