He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
