and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
