I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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