If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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