Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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