My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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