Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
