News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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