Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
