I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
