i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
