so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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