Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
