I cut my penus on the lid.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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