Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
