I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
