We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
