i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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