Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
