I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Acid is not a monday night drug
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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