Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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