So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
