Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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