my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
