Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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