Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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